"I Didn't Ask For This." Answering Some Important Questions and Debunking Myths

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*It's very late and I'm in no mood to sleep...So, at the empty page I stare!
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All right folks, this is going to be, by far, the most personal entry yet. I took time off from the blog specifically so I could rack up the courage to actually write this post. What I'm about to say may not be easy to read, but I promised a "No Holds Barred" experience and that's what I intend to give you. I've been desperately wanting to do a post like this, and I've been meaning to write it for months. However, every time I sat down to write, the enormity of the massive white space overwhelmed me and anything and everything that I had wanted to share about my story washed away like a tidal wave.

So, here I am, months later and after some time away, I feel I'm finally ready to tell this story (and not sound like a floundering idiot)

Thanksgiving. A time, for many that is spent watching football, conversing with family and eating mounds of food until you feel you're about to burst. Thanksgiving is also a time to be 'thankful'. (obviously) So, in the spirit of that, I'm going to expand on my life story.
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As I've mentioned in other posts, I have had Cerebral Palsy since I was about a year old. Growing up, I really didn't think much of my disability. I knew I was different than my friends and classmates and I knew I couldn't do as many things as my friends, but that never really bothered me all that much. I mean, I liked playing on the swing sets, the slide, or just tagging along with my friends in whatever they did and they would adapt things to include me, so it all worked out. I was one of the more popular kids in elementary school and everybody would go out of their way to help me. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't enjoy all the attention, who wouldn't? But when it came down to it, I never hung out with any of them regularly. My group of friends weren't the most popular bunch, but they were good to me. It was a small group of about eight or so. We were geeks and all had a host of different issues. Some of us were stranger than others, but nobody ever flinched. We accepted each other for who we were and life was awesome.

Middle school came and my small group of friends, stayed fairly close, but our differing schedules made it impossible to hang out regularly. It was around this time that I started to realize that my CP had a major affect on how people perceived me both physically and mentally.

That's when the tough years started and never seemed to end.

Bullies, people staring, others judging me or making obscene gestures, threatening me, calling me names, kicking my equipment on purpose and a host of other things made going to school a living nightmare. I was scared. Too scared to tell any teacher about it, so my feelings of anger, fear and frustration were vented out at home, with tears and screaming. I would lock myself in a closet and scream for hours. This was the one and only time I would ask the question:

Why, God? Why me? I didn't ask for this disability and I really didn't ask for all the tortures that have come with it.

I did this almost everyday for about a year.

It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I finally (and joyfully) accepted myself, my CP and the fact that I was born to be a geek.. At the time, I was attending a Christian high school where chapel, prayers and Bible reading occurred on a daily basis. During these three years, my relationship with God became stronger than ever and I began to see that I had a purpose in life and that this was how I was meant to be. God obviously wanted me to do something with this disability that would help the world.

Today, I'm so thankful, for everything in my life and all the things I can do and for everything and everyone I have!

I'm thankful to be alive
I'm thankful for everything that has happened in my life---regardless of the outcome
I'm thankful for friends, family and cats
I'm thankful to Gene Roddenberry and subsequent creators for Star Trek and its spin-offs---you read that right, Star Trek  helped me through some really tough times.
And I'm thankful for Mrs. Alvarez, my Cultural Studies teacher, for helping me to see the value in my life.

Now, just because I'm generally happy with my life, doesn't mean I'm immune to jealousy and social media--specifically Facebook has taught me that.

I'll admit that whenever I see that one of my friends has a new boyfriend or girlfriend, gets engaged or married, accomplishes something after years of work or has a child, a pang of jealousy nips at me. Petty, I know, but it only reinforces to me that I don't have any of that and frankly, I want it. However, I didn't realize just how petty my jealousy really was until a friend of mine had posted that she was pregnant after struggling for years.

Seeing the joy my friend had in announcing her pregnancy changed the way I look at these happy moments. Sure, I might not have what she does, but gracious, I should at least be happy for her because I know that she's wanted to be a mom for so long. My time will come and I love my life right now, so celebrate with her and be happy and thankful in the fact that her dream is finally going to come true.

In keeping with the theme of thankfulness, I'd also like to debunk 4 myths about living with CP that I've commonly experienced.

1. Disabled individuals are incapable of everything because I see they have a mobility aid
This is untrue. While we may need help with some things, that doesn't mean we're incapable of everything. I know for me personally I want to be more independent, so I'll get creative and see how that works for me. If I need help, I'll ask for it. If it seems like I'm struggling. ask me and I'll tell you if I need/would like help.

2. She looks different physically, so I don't think she's very smart.
Just because my physical appearance is different from yours and I use a walker does not mean I'm a blathering idiot (Book-wise, at least. On a personal level: It's debatable :).

3. She's disabled so that must mean she has a very unhappy life and I feel sorry for her.
Believe me, the last thing I want is your pity. I have a good life that I enjoy very much. Sure it's harder than an able-bodied person's at times, but I adapt pretty well

4. I bet you wish you didn't have a disability.
Well, yeah. No one ever wants to be disabled, but I am, so I just do the best with the hand I've been dealt. Just because I have a disability doesn't mean that I don't dream big and strive to make myself better every day. As I said, I'm very happy. Another thing people ask me is if I wish there was a cure for CP, and if there was, would I choose it? I've always answered 'No'. CP is the only way of life I've known, to take that away would mean I lose my identity. Are there some days I wish I didn't have CP? I'd be lying if I said there weren't, but I don't dwell on it because it just leads to anger. Sure, it'd be great to walk, drive and to have full use of the left side of my body, but if curing that means I lose the person I am now, forget it. Go give it to someone with cancer, they need it more than I do. My disability is not a disease. I'll still be here in three years, a cancer patient may not be.

So there yo have it folks. That's all I've got for now. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Till next time!

First Thing's First...

So, remember that "Big Announcement" I talked about a few weeks ago?

Well, I'm finally ready to show you what it is!!

Yeah! I got accepted to U Wisconsin- Whitewater to get my 4-year degree!!! I swore I would be satisfied with my 2-year and my days of lugging a 20 lb. backpack, trudging through knee-deep snow in the winter and making trips to the campus cafeteria three times a day for five days straight would be over...

And then I got this crazy idea.

As I've mentioned before, I've been job hunting for a few months now with no luck. I applied at three places and got turned down by all three. So, I went back to researching; checking out places or stores where I typically like to shop or cater to my interests. Well, there were a lot of jobs that I was interested in, but I didn't meet the criteria to even be considered; they all required that interviewees had a 4-year degree and some experience in the field.

So that's when this crazy idea of going back to school started picking up steam.

I've been wanting to get out of Minnesota since forever, so I started looking at schools out West and in the South, but being that I would be a transfer student, scholarship opportunities are pretty limited and I really didn't want to go the financial aid route, so I had to rethink things a bit. I had read that Whitewater was a good school for people with disabilities, and after checking it out, I discovered that a former Wheelchair basketball teammate of mine attended the school and played on the school wheelchair basketball team.

Being the sports freak I am, I was sold from that point on that this school was perfect for me. :)

So I applied and my family and I toured the campus and fell in love, though my parents don't like that it's 5 hours from home, but I say "YES!"

I plan to look at a couple of other schools too, but I'm pretty sure I'll be moving to Wisconsin for the Fall term.

:) Celebrate!

Til next time.

Interview Results

Well folks, I didn't get the job...

While it bums me out, I can't really say that I'm terribly heartbroken by it. The job market is pretty thin right now and has been for a long time now, and to be completely honest, I never expected to be hired in the first place.

Since this whole job interview thing is new to me, right now I'm at the stage where I'm just grateful for the *opportunity* to have an interview and now that I've gotten the "First Ever" interview out of the way, I now know kinda' what to expect in regards to future interviews.

Opportunity shall rise again.

Keep smilin'.

Holy shit that just happened!!!

Holy crap, guys!

And before you ask, this is not the big announcement that I said was coming, but this is equally as big (for me anyway)

Ready for it?

I just got a job interview!!!!

Unreal. I've taken the entire day to try and wrap my head around the fact that I---have a real job interview! 

That's so insane. :)

Goodnight..

Post of the Night #3: Total Randomness

Uh, what is this!?

Why doesn't it have a face!? Or at least eye holes--something! Right now it looks like Rorschach's (From Watchmen) dog. Creepy.

Secondly.

Have  straw wrappers always had this on them? This is the first time I've noticed. Of course, right after reading it, I imagined a straw crumbling to ashes, like Wile E Coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons, as soon as it touched the scorching coffee or hot chocolate. hahaha. Yes, I'm easily amused. I know.

Oh, I also got to witness a boyfriend and girlfriend argue about their relationship behind the counter----while there were customers in line. Yeah, that was kinda' epic. Maybe I should've gone to the Barnes Noble coffee shop two stores down...

Until next time!

Post of the night #2: Just a Quick One

Family Guy is evil for making me find this song. It's been in my head for 2 days now.

Memories

We're in the midst of a partial remodel over here, so everything has kind of been one gigantic mess, especially my room. Before this remodel even began, I had been asking to have an *actual* bookcase in my bedroom because I had a lot of books--and not enough space. The headrest shelves I was using were getting the job done, but I could see that I was going to need something bigger someday.

Well, "someday" finally happened. It took about 10 days to get my headrests, plus one "normal" shelf cleaned out, but I did it and now my "new" bookcase is here!!

Before

After

The "After" job looks pretty good huh? Yeah, I'm really happy :) Finally, space to shove more junk when I don't feel like cleaning, which is actually most of the time ;)

But this major clean out also made me come to one very sad realization:

I need a Kindle.

I've been avoiding buying one for years; there's just something about physically holding a paperback in your hands that's---for lack of a better word, indescribable, it really is; but seeing that mountainous pile of books scattered across my floor as well as my bed, I gave in, realizing that if I didn't do something about it, I'd be buying new shelving every year. So, what you see in the "After" picture are the books that I like and will most likely get around to reading. I plan to donate the rest of my books to charity.

Cleaning house is kind of funny. No one ever really really looks forward to it, but at the same time, it can bring about some unexpected surprises.I didn't normally hold on to grade school art projects or book reports unless they were A). Really good or B).Meant something to me. So when I found these items (neither of which I thought I had saved) it was a serious trip down memory lane. (That's so, damn cliche, but I can't think of another way to put it).

The two items were these pictured:

The first three pictures are of my "How to..." book that I made in fifth grade. I look at the googly handwriting now and can't believe that I ever wrote that way. The third picture is of a postcard from our sixth grade trip to Wolf Ridge, AKA "The Week that Natalie Nearly Died". I thought this one was particularly funny because I used to love Best Buy as a kid and here I am demanding I be taken to Best Buy--most likely as soon as I got home. That's one trip I hope I never have to experience again. In fact, I kissed the ground and cried when I got into my house. :)

More later!

Triple Post Coming Tonight

So, I've been a little neglectful of the blog lately, so to make up for lost time (and because I have things that I feel are worth sharing) I've decided to do a triple post of all the things that have gone on since I last wrote. Expect them in the next few hours.

:)

Later!

Big Announcement Coming Up!

So, there have been some really cool developments and major life decisions made on my part as of late and now that business matters have been handled, I'm excited to say that I have a big announcement coming in the days, weeks and months ahead!

Oh my gosh! What is it? What could it be? You got a job? You're moving? What is it???

Well...Not gonna' tell you! :). No, I'd *love* to tell you, but I like keeping people in suspense, but I promise you; it's huge and it's important. So, let the guessing games (Not?) begin!

Rant on Handicapped Parking Spaces

I'm sure we've all seen these, and I'm doubly sure we all know what they mean and who they're intended for. So, my basic question is: Do these signs mean *ANYTHING* to any decent-mannered, able-bodied person?!

Okay, okay let's backtrack a little bit. The Minnesota State Fair is occurring right now and, for as long as I can remember, it's been a family tradition to go every year, forgo any dietary restrictions and pig out on foods that we later regret eating. Now, over the last few years, the Fair has lost a bit of its luster. Maybe it's because I'm older now, but rather than enjoying myself and gorging on food like I used to; I'm now annoyed by the (usually) sweltering heat, the unbelievable amount of pricks that don't have the decency to move even one damn inch for the wheelchair lady, but this year I was actually really looking forward to going. So we packed up, sat in traffic for close to 2 hours, only to be told that the handicapped lot was completely full.

That's the first time that's ever happened.

So again. this brings me to that simple little question:

Why don't perfectly able-bodied people know how to correctly use a HANDICAPPED parking sign?

This has pissed me off for years on end because the people I refer to are often: A) Fat or B) Too lazy to park in a regular spot. I mean no offense to people that are a little heavy or overweight, but seriously; you don't need a handicapped parking spot. Being fat is not a disability. The people that really piss me off are the perfectly able-bodied/Temp sticker users that get a permit for a family member or a broken leg and then use it simply because they're too lazy; or they use their temp sticker four weeks after they've recovered from their injuries only to sprint into a shopping mall for a sale.

So, to all you that have done this before: Please be considerate. These spaces are reserved for people that really do need them, not people who just "don't feel like walking."

Of course, if a handicapped person is riding with you, tell them to bring their place card and milk the space for all it's worth :).

Till next time!

Another Happy Song

Another happy song for the day because...

I can now successfully get in the back of my car!!!

Trust me, you have no idea how big of a deal this is to me.

Have a nice night.

Every Day Gets a Little Better

It's insanely late (early?) but I had kind of a sucky day yesterday; so I thought I'd take the time to share some exciting news!

I'm starting to walk on my own again!

LET'S PARTY!!

Every day gets a little better and a little easier.

Have a great Memorial Day! I'll be on a boat in a few hours...

Random Acts of Kindness

I went to Starbucks earlier this evening; and because it's the weekend, I splurged and got myself a venti Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino and a soft pretzel. After I had decided what I wanted I moved on to the counter to pay.

I fumbled with my wallet for a few seconds, but before I could even get it open, the barista informed me:

"Oh, a woman left $10 at the counter for the next customer to buy something, so yours will be paid for with the money she left."

OK.

So thank you, Mystery Lady, the frap was delicious.

Childhood Nostalgia/Geekdom #1- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

So, I was cleaning out the bookcase this weekend and happened to stumble across this little gem:

This was one of my favorite books as a kid; though not because I understood the message. It was definitely *all* for the Turtles ha ha. But I was paging through it and had to laugh because of one simple fact: It was teaching kids to be "green" before green was "in"! So, this book was waaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of its time; and despite not being a "hardcore" environmental activist, (though I *do* care a great deal about our environment, I'm just not outspoken about it) I find that kind of awesome.

A few more peeks inside:

As you can probably guess, I was (and still am, actually!) a huge fan of TMNT. I watched the '87 show religiously, bought all the little action figures, played a the video games, collected little stuffed Raph, Mikey, Leo and Donny turtles from my local state fair etc. God, it seems like I went to the toy store every week to get either A) A Power Ranger or B) A Turtle. Hell, I even had a TMNT birthday cake when I was about 6-7 years old :). Oh, and how could I forget that I went as Raph for Halloween one year !

So, yeah, I'm a certified geek and yes, if you're curious, I *loved/am LOVING* both the 2003 and 2012 incarnations, but I especially love the 2012 series. It's so awesome! Not to mention the cast is fan-fucking-tastic!

Just thought I'd give you a little glimpse of just one of my geekdoms :).

Til next time!

(A little added bonus of my collection. Note: It's hard to tell from pics, but Raph is my favorite Turtle :).)

Meet the Cat

Yep, that little cutie right there is what's been keeping me sane during my recovery :). Her name is Sundae, better known as "Kitty" or "Fatness" because of how she looks when she's stretching out .She's an American Shorthair and possibly the cutest,weirdest, funniest sweetheart I've come to know; and she's helped me get through the toughest days of my recovery by putting a smile on my face every day. I swear she's part dog, however. She'll do all the typical things a little puppy or young dog would do.  Chases her tail, *sprints* to the door whenever she hears the doorbell, paws at my door, wanting to come in at bizarre hours, likes the water (Though she acts like she hates it; but I know better--she loves it.) Lastly, if you have water or food she likes, she'll plop herself in front of you, staring, much like a dog who waits for you to drop table scraps for him hahaha. Oh, and she's a big time protector too and is not afraid to show other animals that this is *her* house :)

Stairs, "I have CONQUERED YOU!"

Yep, I pretty much own the stairs now. This is how I felt after successfully completing a full flight.

A Beautiful Little Find

*Goes into serene documentary narrator voice*

"Like a chameleon, the Twinkie can  camouflage itself and blend with it's surroundings; seemingly disappearing until it so desires..."

My first official sighting of Twinkies at my local Target!!!!

They're beautiful...

Baby Steps

All right, before we get to the fun stuff, as promised, here are before and after pics of my scar! Woohoo!! :)

First day home--Steri Strips are totally sexy, oh yeah

Hmmm---now I can't remember when this was taken... Maybe 3-4 weeks post-surgery

OK, now that we got that out of the way, I present, Fun item #1. I finally saw Man of Steel and I gotta' say, I was really disappointed in it. I wanted to love it, I really did and I tried so hard to find something I *really really* liked, but ultimately, I thought it was a big waste of time. 

For one, having your movie be all about explosions and CGI does not make for a "cool" movie. It just makes it look cartoon-y and cheap. I had a huge problem with the final fight scenes. Not only do they seem to drag on for-frickin'-ever, but I felt like I was watching a cartoon. Look, if I wanted to watch a cartoon, I'd sit down and plop in a disc or two of Superman The Animated Series The show may be 16-17 years old now, but it still holds up incredibly well and Tim Daly is excellent as Clark/Superman. If you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out, it's awesome.

Secondly, anyone who says that this was a "character" or "origin" story, no, that's just not right. If anything, I think Man of Steel has more of a "Superman Earth One" feel to it rather than Classic Supes, but that's just me. The Earth One line is intended to be for the "new" comic reader and is thus ultra modern. Now, I don't mind modernization--as long as it's done well. Fortunately, for Superman Earth One, J. Michael Straczynski writes a beautiful story. Sure, it's modern, but it still "feels" like a Superman comic. "Man of Steel" never felt like a Superman story, in fact, I thought it was too modern for it's own good. Instead of focusing on Clark/Superman and fleshing out both the story and his character, the movie instead becomes so obsessed with SFX that it ultimately morphs into the cartoon-y mess it is. I had the same problem with Green Lantern too. So. Much. Green. CGI. Zero character development, coupled with the fact that Ryan Reynolds was a *terrible* choice for Hal Jordan/Green Lantern made for a really terrible film.

The one positive thing I will say about Man of Steel is that Henry Cavill is fantastic as Clark/Superman! I always get super freaked whenever they start casting on superhero movies because you never know what you'll get. About the only choices I've liked right off the bat besides Cavill, were Robert Downey Jr, as Tony Stark, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Patrick Stewart as Professor X and despite initial disappointment that Edward Norton wouldn't return as Bruce Banner, I instantaneously accepted Mark Ruffalo when I saw The Avengers. However, Henry Cavill completely surpassed my expectations. he was great, but he's got nothing on Chris Reeve or Brandon Routh. Routh reminded me *a lot* of Chris Reeve in Superman Returns. Maybe that's why I really like it while the rest of the universe seems to hate it.

So to sum up my review in a sentence: OK movie that's obsessed with SFX and too modern for it's own good, is saved by Henry Cavill's performance as Clark Kent/Superman.

Now, onto the stuff you actually want to hear about: I give you, Fun Item #2 My Recovery!

We're getting awfully close to the 6-week time frame that was suggested and it's getting there---but not yet. I still have spasms 1-3+ times a day and I've fallen once thanks to my own stupidity. I'll get into that later. Back to the spasms first. There for a while, they were really bad. They would happen easily about 10+ times a day, and once they happened, I had no control over them. I would have to stand frozen for 6-7 minutes---though it felt like an eternity because the pain was so intense, before it stopped. Thankfully they changed my meds to help control the pain and it's helped a ton as the spasms aren't nearly as bad and I have a little more control over them, so I'm happy about that.

The thing I realized is that you have to take baby steps. Don't push yourself just because your doc said you should be better in 6 weeks. Recovery has a mind of its own and it'll either be as fast and easy or as difficult and painful as it likes ("Uh, I'll be forced to take 'Path B': Difficult & Painful for $2000, Alex") so you just have to realize that it takes *time*. Also, take into account that I have CP, so recovering from a surgery like this may not be as easy as it is for an able-bodied person.

Since I'm a writer, I equate my recovery to writing a story. It sounds easy and all these fantastically cool---AKA fucking awesome ideas are flowing through your tortured mind, but then you open your notebook to a blank page and....Nothing. Then you spend the next 6 hours agonizing over how you want to start your story. For an example of what I mean, here's a peek inside my head.

"God, I have all these great ideas for a story! They need to be written down! Let's do that, it'll be fun!"

*Takes composition book out, sets on desk, opens it*

"Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy!"

*Looks at blank page, mind instantly goes blank*

"Shit! Ugh!!! How should I start this? With a descriptive scene, heavy on imagery?"

*Writes out scene, reads it*

"Nah, that sucks...Catchy dialogue between characters?*

*Scribbles out dialogue*

"OK, that's beyond shitty. Scrap it...Narration?"

*Writes monologue*

"Ah hell! Let's just go back to the dialogue. It's shit, but it was the kind of shit that could kinda' grow on me if I tweak it."

There you have it folks, my process. Exciting, I know. My point is that, like writing, recovery is hard shit. It may sound easy because your doctor makes it sound easy, but it's really not. It takes a lot of work and a whole crapload of willpower if you ever hope to be 100%.

All tight, it's late, and things seem to be blending into each other, meaning I need to go away from the computer.

More stories next time! :)

Shot Hammy

Late-night writing FTW!

I know I promised to post pics of the aftermath of my surgery, but that won't be happening until the next post because: 1. It's late 2. It's frickin' hot 3. There's like, a mega thunderstorm going on right now and I'm scared (There, we got that out of the way. It'll be discussed no further) and 4. Have I mentioned that spasms suck?

I have no idea why, but my hamstring and the back of my leg have been a pain in the ass the last couple of days. Then again, my therapist really worked it during our last session, so maybe that's why, because I could barely move at all yesterday. I'm actually amazed I was able to get out of the house at all---it was that bad.

Anyway, I don't really have anything awesome to talk about right now. I'll save all the good stuff for when I'm not losing my mind and sitting in a sticky pool of my own sweat and it feels like I've peed my pants ten times over...

Until next time!

In Honor of Vince Flynn

Vince Flynn passed away this afternoon after a lengthy battle with prostate cancer. He was only 47, much too young.

I normally wouldn't post about a death of an author like this, but Vince Flynn has had a profound impact on my life, so I thought I'd pay him my respect.

When I was young, I never had much of an appreciation for reading. I mean, I read the little kiddie books that were in the back of the bookstores and libraries, but that was pretty much it. About the only books longer than a handful of pages that held my attention, were books that were written by Roald Dahl and Louis Sachar, because they were funny and I understood the humor. My mom also tried to read me The Chronicles of Narnia, but I think that was a little too complex, I got some parts of it, but others were just way over my head.

Fast forward to junior high, where I was pretty much turned off of reading because we were "required" to read the books and more often than not, the teacher would choose some really shitty, mushy title that the class had never heard of and didn't give a rat's ass about reading a single page. I always hated this type of reading because it wasn't for pleasure and it wasn't enjoyable for me. When I read, I like to do it on my own time, where there's no pressure to read X amount of pages by such and such a date. I can just take as much time as I please.

Near the end of junior high, I developed a hardcore love for anything and everything science fiction, specifically Star Trek. For about four years straight, that's all I read, literally forgetting that there were other genres besides Science Fiction/Fantasy. However, around the middle of high school, my grandmother, a retired English teacher and opinionated critic of everything literature, didn't consider science fiction to be "real" literature. It sounds stupid now, but being that I was young and wanted to show my grandma that I could read "intelligent" books, I gave up my Star Trek lit fetish and really didn't read much of anything for several years.

It wasn't until 2009 that I discovered the author that would change how I felt about reading forever. I'm also a big fan of well-known thriller authors Dennis Lehane and David Baldacci, but on this particular trip to Barnes & Noble, I was looking for something fresh, something from an author I hadn't read before. That's how I stumbled (literally) across Vince Flynn.

I picked up Term Limits, the first novel he ever published and couldn't stop reading. After finishing the first chapter, I bought it and had it finished within the week. I subsequently went out and bought every book he had written, loving every minute of each book. It was after I had finished two of Vince's books that I discovered that I really *loved* reading again, it simply had to be a book that played to my interests and tastes.

That's why the news of his passing today is a little hard for me. He's literally responsible for letting me re-discover the joys that lie between 200+ pages.

So thank you Vince. Thank you for sharing your fantastic stories with the world. You quite literally changed the way I look at reading. Thank you for bringing a little piece of joy back into my life. May you rest in peace.

Recovery's A Bitch--AKA Never Underestimate the Power of Me

It's almost 6:30 A.M. as I write this, so I'm getting an early start today--amazing. However, by the time it's posted, it'll probably be at a less insane hour.

No, the above logo doesn't mean I've seen Man of Steel---yet. Once my body stops sucking so much, it'll happen and even if it decides to be annoyingly uncooperative, I'll find a way dammit!

No, really the logo is there because I'm proud---of me.

Going into surgery, I knew the recovery process was going to be tough, it always is, whether you want it to be or not. Thing is, I had no frickin' idea this one was going to be as difficult and emotionally exhausting as it has been. My doctor made it sound so simple: "Partial replacement, quicker recovery, you should start feeling better in X amount of weeks.....blah blah blah." (Not what he actually said)

Hot damn, it's been anything *but* easy. When I had my scope, it was done at a same day surgery center and I was walking later that evening. The same cannot be said for a partial knee replacement. Shit, if I had known it would be this hard, I would've turned down the surgery and just lived with arthritic knees for the rest of my life...OK, so we all know that's a fucking lie, but the whole experience has changed my entire personality and the way I do things. For instance, I forgot what it was like to be (kind of) completely helpless because I've been doing things for myself for the better part of 12 years now; things that were once easy, are now some of the most difficult, exhausting tasks ever. Oh, and don't even get me started on stairs, which I've now decided are the most evil things ever created by mankind (and no, I didn't take a free ride AKA fall down them this time) they're just so damn complicated.

Things like going to the bathroom, taking a shower, getting dressed in a dignified fashion, getting into my house etc. These are all things that I took for granted before the surgery. Well, never EVER again will I do such a thing. I also can't get up off the floor or in and out of a car without assistance. I know it'll come with time, it's just a bitch to have to rely on so much help. Also, spasms and spasticity *REALLY* suck, like a lot and so do the anxiety attacks that stem from them and not being able to move my body the way I want.

 A week ago, while attempting to climb the stairs because I had made really good progress and felt confident that I could make it to the top like a normal able-bodied person, a spasm hit near the middle of the staircase, causing my knee to buckle. I cried out in pain as my knee bent forward and pain shot up the back of my leg. Thankfully, my mom was there to spot me and we quickly got turned around to a comfortable position. As I lay spread out on the stairs, trying to breathe, tears streaming down my face from the pain, I swore and choked out: "Dammit! Fuck this, I hate pain. I want it gone! Just when you think you're making progress, you're body comes and slaps you in the face saying 'NO'." That was when I realized that this recovery process wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.

I know I probably sound like a huge, ungrateful and cranky bitch, but I'm really not. As many negatives that accompany the recovery process, there are also many upsides. I'm thankful, grateful really for all the prayers from family and friends as well as the cookies, cards and flower bouquets. I'm also thankful to the random strangers that have wished me well when I'm in public. Thank you, it keeps me sane.

Another upside is getting to use my wheelchair when I go out! I love that I fit everywhere!!! :D You have no idea how nice it is to not trip over the wheel of a clothes rack because your stupid walker won't fit through the damn crawlspace they call an "aisle". And because of my lovely inability to do stairs effectively, I've learned to do what I call "The Electric Butt Slide" which is basically going up and down the stairs on my ass. The wedgies are really uncool. but it's what works for the time being.

The other night as I was making my way down to my makeshift bed in the living room, I was halfway between a wedgie and my shorts falling off. When the shorts finally started to slip beyond my control, I looked at my mom, who was once again spotting me to make sure I didn't die going down and said: "Yes, I'm fully aware my pants are falling off and you can see my green underwear, a consequence of being me for now."

I've started rehab now and my therapist is really impressed with my progress compared to two weeks ago, so that's another thing that I feel awesome about. I'm really proud. I've only been going for three weeks and already, we're seeing huge improvements! :) It's going very well. Thank you again to everyone for the prayers, thoughts, juju, whatever, it's working!

Until next time!

P.S. I'll post pics of my sexy scar next time,

I'm Not Dead! Movies, Surgeries, Cleaning and other Good Shit

First thing's first: 1. I am NOT dead (And I sure as hell don't look like the above picture). I've just gotten horribly side-tracked by monkeys riding unicycles...No, I'm kidding. Life can be a bitch sometimes and in a split second, can drag you back to reality when you really don't want to be. I had a pretty rough month after my last blog post. There was a lot of heavy personal stuff going on in my life that I'll spare you, but that's the main reason for my lack of blogging. 2. I apologize for leaving you hanging like that. I'll try not to let it happen again.

Anyway... Onto the fun stuff! You don't know how happy I am that it's May, which means the summer blockbuster season has begun! Holy crap! I love this time of year, especially since there's no shortage of kick-ass-looking movies coming up, and being that a good chunk of my summer has been completely sabotaged by knee surgery, I'll need the entertainment :).

I'm happy to report that I've already seen two of the biggest movies of the year! These two movies also happen to be the ones that I was most looking forward to and I'm happy to report that I loved the hell out of both of them!

The first movie I refer to is "Iron Man 3".

Oh. My. God! This was everything I wanted "Iron Man 2" to be and then some haha, Seriously though, it was. I absolutely *LOVE* stories that have a darker tone or element to them and this totally fits the bill. I loved every second of it. As for the "Mandarin Twist", (and I hope I don't get stoned for this) I really didn't mind it. TONS of other movies deviate from the source material and people are OK with it. Why is Iron Man suddenly getting shit for wanting to entertain an audience? I'll never understand fanboys sometimes. Besides, I read the relaunched "Ultimate Iron Man" comic the other day and almost threw it across the frickin' room after I realized what the "Villain" was.

So anyway, yeah, I enjoyed it. Thank you Shane Black and Drew Pearce for entertaining the shit out of me. :)

The second movie I refer to is "Star Trek into Darkness"

One thing you should know about me---is that I am a *HUGE* Trekker. (Trekker/Trekkie I don't give a rat's ass what it is, I'm not picky). Having been a fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation, I would later discover the beauties that were (and are) Star Trek (1966) and Star Trek Deep Space Nine, (which is my favorite Trek series of all-time) in addition to having seen all 11 Star Trek movies at least 3 times and thinking that the last two before the Abrams reboot *really* sucked, I was looking forward to having Star Trek be fun again.

Well, I saw Star Trek '09 and was absolutely blown away! Hell, I'll even admit it made me cry. It was the perfect shot in the arm.

Star Trek into Darkness didn't make me cry, but it's still one hell of a film. Won't give anything away, but there are a few surprises an places where things have been turned on their head that you might enjoy :)

I recommend both films. They're definitely worth the price of admission!

In other news: The hospital sent me my surgery packet to me a few weeks ago... I may have done this surgery thing 7 times before, but it still scares the shit out of me. My pre-op physical is scheduled for Monday---even that part scares the crap out of me. After that, there'll be 9 days until my impending date with doom...OK, moving on because I'll have a fucking panic attack if I think about it anymore than I have to.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...I re-organized my bookshelf last night only to discover that I no longer have enough room for everything and that bothers me hahahaha. Maybe I'll add "Bigger bookshelf" to my list of demands while I'm laid up :)

All right, I'm signing off before I lose my damn mind and start writing gibberish all over everything.

Until next time!

Good News, Everyone!

Good morning, world! It's April 12th and a bright and beautiful 35 outside! (Strong sarcasm should be noted) AND---even more exciting, I get to be the bearer of good news!

So, many of you are aware that I've had really sucky knees for about 10 years. Well, my right one has recently become extraordinarily sucky and as a result, my doctor has decided that the only way I'll be virtually pain-free is by having a knee replacement...Yeah, not exactly a pleasant thought for a 26-year-old, but oh well, it's not like I'm not used to it. This will be surgery #8 for me, so I'm a pro at this stuff.

Anyway, I had another appointment yesterday to find out weather I live or die! No, it was really to find out what would happen to my knee. Either I'd get to keep it (Partial replacement) or I'd lose it forever (Total replacement) Well, turns out I'll get to keep my knee! Huzzah!! Which is pretty sweet, because it means a shorter recovery time too. (Don't worry, I'll still milk the "I had surgery, therefore you're all forced to be my slaves!" act for all it's worth. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA...I'm totally fine, I swear...) Because I want to get it done as soon as humanly possible, the surgery date is May 29th, so I'll probably get to see Iron Man 3 3-4 times before I go under ;) Hey, I warned you that superheros were one of my unhealthy obsessions...

So, I guess I should start planning a list of my demands. Let's see: A makeshift bed, the PS3, movies, toast, waffles---Oh wait, that wasn't meant for your eyes, I'm just thinking out loud here :)

On a less happier note: Boo Minnesota and boo Minnesota sports. Everyone seems to have forgotten what the word "Win" means.

Why boo Minnesota? Because of this:

Yeah, snow. It's frickin' April! For the love of God, spring was supposed to be here LAST MONTH! Why is Mother Nature such a bitch sometimes? *mooooooan*.

That's all I've got for now. I'll give updates as soon as I can and once the surgery is performed and I'm home, pictures will happen. :)

Catch ya' later!

Sports gods, I Apologize!

Minnesota really sucks.

Yesterday was a pretty big day in sports. The baseball season officially kicked off for the Twins---in freezing 35 degree weather. How Vance Worley went without sleeves under his uniform blows my mind. It wasn't a great way to start the season as "The Boys" lost 4-2. I'd like to make every excuse in the world, including the fact that they squared off against Justin Verlander, but that really doesn't cut it. They had chances---a ton of 'em. Why they couldn't get them to payoff, I don't know.

On top of that, the Wild played and got absolutely crushed. Now I'm not as angry about that loss as I am about the Twins because they've had an absolutely ridiculous schedule over the past 10 days. Six games, a lot of them back to back, so I forgave them for it. Still, it made me very sad.

All this losing plus the freezing temperatures got me asking one simple question:

Why do the sports gods seem to hate us? Why, why, WHY?

Lets see: The only two teams I remotely care about during the spring months---The Wild and Twins lost in pretty bad fashion, plus it was 35-fricking-degrees----at a baseball game IN APRIL and there's till snow on the ground...Uh, note to Mother Nature: SPRING WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ON MARCH 20th, get with it lady.

As for the sports gods: What have us Minnesotans done to deserve the cruel fate of losing Every. Damn. Year. In. Every. Single. Sport. Now some losing streaks I can understand *cough* Gopher basketball *cough* and the Wolves, but the rest of them? No way! I guess I'll just get on my knees and apologize profusely. So, sports gods, I apologize, I really do! Now let us win, PLEASE!

All right, more later. Perhaps a second post sometime today or updates to my tabs, but for now, I'm off to crawl in a hole and cry over the weather.

Fear, Inspiration and the Writing Process

In my introductory post, I mentioned that I was a writer and that I happened to have a knack for it. That part is very true and when I bring my 'A' game, I can be a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself. Sounds a little egotistical, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

I've been writing since I was about 8 years old. The stories were shitty, nonsensical drabbles about a cat named Astro and his talking baseball cards. Thinking back on it, each one of these pieces was filled with horrible grammatical errors and atrocities, but it was clearly the beginning of a passion. What 8-year-old would sit at a computer and write a story for three hours? (Yeah, I was a HORRIBLY slow typer as a kid, so sue me).

My interest in the craft was peaked in 5th grade, where we had to write a humorous short story. I think I might've been the only one in the class that was excited about it. As soon as the teacher told us to start our drafts, my pencil and I went town. That's where Astro made his comeback. I gave him a skateboard and had him doing all sorts of shenanigans as well as running into professional athletes who thought that he was insane. It was a piece that I had way too much fun with because I remember cracking myself up and getting strange looks from my classmates.

At that age, I remember writing almost every day and being able to come up with an idea, put it on paper and then finish it in 2-3 days time. As I got older and the nature of my writing changed, that became harder and harder. Some of it was due to writer's block, most of it was just me saying: "I don't want to write."

Now, you're probably wondering: 'What does any of this have to do with fear and inspiration?'

Well, I wrote that preface because I'm having a problem.

I haven't written anything in over a year.

So that got me thinking about my writing process and the routine I go through when I'm prepping to write. Now, I'm not one of those writer's that agonizes over ideas, I have plenty of those. For me, it's the actual structuring and getting the idea in a notebook that make me cry and send me into fits of rage, so I came up with a list of personal "rules" (Re: OCD comforts) for writing:

1. Always outline or web your idea, even if it's a little sloppy. You've got to have at least *some* ideas about the direction of your story.

2. Drafts *must* be done in a notebook before they're typed

3. College Ruled paper only

4. Preferred writing utensil is a MECHANICAL PENCIL (.07 lead) ONLY

5. Never throw drafts away---they're good learning tools

Oh, and a little "unwritten" personal opinion: One-finger typists are geniuses; if you can't handle that, screw off :) This usually gets my mind in the zone. If that doesn't work, wordplay is fantastic for generating ideas. Wordplay is simply where you write words on a piece of paper. They can be whatever kind of words you want and the exercise can make complete sense or it can be totally nonsensical. I can't tell you how many good stories I've written using this method.

Just as I was thinking about what helps me get in the zone, I also thought about *why* I wasn't writing and that was because of fear. Back when I wrote more frequently, I would write an amazing short story/poem/novella and then after I finished, I wouldn't write for months or even years at a time. That's because I would fall in love with my previous story and say: 'God, that was so good! I can't match the greatness of that. Yeah, I've got ideas, but that story is just so perfect, why ruin a good thing by writing another story?' or 'What if I completely blow the next story and everybody says how awful I am?' Kind of cynical, I know, but it's true. 

On the flipside of that, there's what inspires me to write. Nature, pictures, quotes, toys--yes, I just said toys, movies, my mood, people watching....the list goes on and on. Point is, if everyday life is stressing you out, grab a piece of paper every once in a while and try writing something. It doesn't have to be a novel, just let your mind go crazy. It's an awesome de-stresser.

On that note I leave you with a poem I wrote last fall. Enjoy!! I'm off to write about a blue sock monkey with a pom pom hat.
--------

Closure

I remember that house.

It’s dark interior, the peeling paint and fractured walls

Then there was that horrible, acrid smell of smoke and whiskey…

I can still hear his voice, eerily raspy and seething with hatred

As he held me by the collar and swore at me, his spit plastering my cheeks

Through my tears, I’d ask him what I did wrong

But he never answered with words. Only hard slaps and kicks to the ribs.

My childhood was far from joyful.

Memories that should’ve been filled with the sounds of laughter, excitement and happiness

Have been replaced with the sounds of shattering bottles, broken bones, bloody noses

And the cracking of the foundation every time he threw a tantrum.

A 6-year-old should never have to experience that.

How I managed to survive is beyond me.

He passed away just last week. I got the call on Tuesday.

And now, here I stand.

I’m not sure what compelled me to come back,

There was no “really good” reason to.

Maybe it’s because I felt bad for him

They say he died all alone

I don’t care how big of a jerk he was back then

He didn’t deserve to die that way, no one does.

Maybe I came back because I’m all he had left.

Everyone that should’ve been close to him is gone now----

His family, his friends, his wife…

Everyone except me.

Or maybe I just wanted to see the house.

I left when I was 18. I’m 24 now, so it’s been 6 years.

I wanted to see if he had ever cleaned it up or did anything different with it

It doesn’t look like he did

It’s still the same shabby hole that I grew up in.

So I don’t know if I’ll ever figure out why I came back…

Maybe it was out of guilt, or maybe I felt it was something I had to do

Or maybe I just wanted proof, some kind of closure

That the worst part of my life had officially come to an end.

(Not so) Formal Introduction

OK, so these things are "supposed" to go something like: "Hi, I'm Natalie, welcome to my blog blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." right?

Well, truth is, I've never been any good at that. I'd much rather walk up to you and say "Hi" and maybe shake your hand---so HI!

I won't go into my life story in this post, because it's long, boring and well...Uninteresting to say the least :). However, to avoid making *this* specific "Very First Post Ever" uninteresting, I will tell you a few things about me and this blog. I decided to start a blog because social media is starting to become intolerable for me and I need a place to vent. So in other words, this will be a no-holds-barred blog. Not to say that every post will turn into a bitchy rant, most of the time it'll involve my interests and life, I'm just putting it out there as a disclaimer.

Another reason for starting this blog is because I'm a writer and I'm hoping that this will not only be a place for me to share myself, but also act as a bit of a creative muse to get ideas flowing clearly. I'll post some of my work a little later on :)

As far as my interests are concerned, and I'll just get this out of the way right now; I am a HUGE nerd.I love everything superhero/Sci-Fi, I love reading, video games and music, so if anything relating to that ever comes up and you understand nothing---it's OK :) I also love sports---particularly baseball, American Football and hockey and I have a (possibly unhealthy) obsession with cats :).

So, I'll be writing about anything and everything, whatever crosses my mind. Some of it may be a little ADD-ish because it's so random, but hey, no holds barred.

That's pretty much all I've got for now. Hope you enjoy!

Until next time... :)