No, the above logo doesn't mean I've seen Man of Steel---yet. Once my body stops sucking so much, it'll happen and even if it decides to be annoyingly uncooperative, I'll find a way dammit!
No, really the logo is there because I'm proud---of me.
Going into surgery, I knew the recovery process was going to be tough, it always is, whether you want it to be or not. Thing is, I had no frickin' idea this one was going to be as difficult and emotionally exhausting as it has been. My doctor made it sound so simple: "Partial replacement, quicker recovery, you should start feeling better in X amount of weeks.....blah blah blah." (Not what he actually said)
Hot damn, it's been anything *but* easy. When I had my scope, it was done at a same day surgery center and I was walking later that evening. The same cannot be said for a partial knee replacement. Shit, if I had known it would be this hard, I would've turned down the surgery and just lived with arthritic knees for the rest of my life...OK, so we all know that's a fucking lie, but the whole experience has changed my entire personality and the way I do things. For instance, I forgot what it was like to be (kind of) completely helpless because I've been doing things for myself for the better part of 12 years now; things that were once easy, are now some of the most difficult, exhausting tasks ever. Oh, and don't even get me started on stairs, which I've now decided are the most evil things ever created by mankind (and no, I didn't take a free ride AKA fall down them this time) they're just so damn complicated.
Things like going to the bathroom, taking a shower, getting dressed in a dignified fashion, getting into my house etc. These are all things that I took for granted before the surgery. Well, never EVER again will I do such a thing. I also can't get up off the floor or in and out of a car without assistance. I know it'll come with time, it's just a bitch to have to rely on so much help. Also, spasms and spasticity *REALLY* suck, like a lot and so do the anxiety attacks that stem from them and not being able to move my body the way I want.
A week ago, while attempting to climb the stairs because I had made really good progress and felt confident that I could make it to the top like a normal able-bodied person, a spasm hit near the middle of the staircase, causing my knee to buckle. I cried out in pain as my knee bent forward and pain shot up the back of my leg. Thankfully, my mom was there to spot me and we quickly got turned around to a comfortable position. As I lay spread out on the stairs, trying to breathe, tears streaming down my face from the pain, I swore and choked out: "Dammit! Fuck this, I hate pain. I want it gone! Just when you think you're making progress, you're body comes and slaps you in the face saying 'NO'." That was when I realized that this recovery process wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.
I know I probably sound like a huge, ungrateful and cranky bitch, but I'm really not. As many negatives that accompany the recovery process, there are also many upsides. I'm thankful, grateful really for all the prayers from family and friends as well as the cookies, cards and flower bouquets. I'm also thankful to the random strangers that have wished me well when I'm in public. Thank you, it keeps me sane.
Another upside is getting to use my wheelchair when I go out! I love that I fit everywhere!!! :D You have no idea how nice it is to not trip over the wheel of a clothes rack because your stupid walker won't fit through the damn crawlspace they call an "aisle". And because of my lovely inability to do stairs effectively, I've learned to do what I call "The Electric Butt Slide" which is basically going up and down the stairs on my ass. The wedgies are really uncool. but it's what works for the time being.
The other night as I was making my way down to my makeshift bed in the living room, I was halfway between a wedgie and my shorts falling off. When the shorts finally started to slip beyond my control, I looked at my mom, who was once again spotting me to make sure I didn't die going down and said: "Yes, I'm fully aware my pants are falling off and you can see my green underwear, a consequence of being me for now."
I've started rehab now and my therapist is really impressed with my progress compared to two weeks ago, so that's another thing that I feel awesome about. I'm really proud. I've only been going for three weeks and already, we're seeing huge improvements! :) It's going very well. Thank you again to everyone for the prayers, thoughts, juju, whatever, it's working!
Until next time!
P.S. I'll post pics of my sexy scar next time,
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