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*It's very late and I'm in no mood to sleep...So, at the empty page I stare!
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All right folks, this is going to be, by far, the most personal entry yet. I took time off from the blog specifically so I could rack up the courage to actually write this post. What I'm about to say may not be easy to read, but I promised a "No Holds Barred" experience and that's what I intend to give you. I've been desperately wanting to do a post like this, and I've been meaning to write it for months. However, every time I sat down to write, the enormity of the massive white space overwhelmed me and anything and everything that I had wanted to share about my story washed away like a tidal wave.
So, here I am, months later and after some time away, I feel I'm finally ready to tell this story (and not sound like a floundering idiot)
Thanksgiving. A time, for many that is spent watching football, conversing with family and eating mounds of food until you feel you're about to burst. Thanksgiving is also a time to be 'thankful'. (obviously) So, in the spirit of that, I'm going to expand on my life story.
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As I've mentioned in other posts, I have had Cerebral Palsy since I was about a year old. Growing up, I really didn't think much of my disability. I knew I was different than my friends and classmates and I knew I couldn't do as many things as my friends, but that never really bothered me all that much. I mean, I liked playing on the swing sets, the slide, or just tagging along with my friends in whatever they did and they would adapt things to include me, so it all worked out. I was one of the more popular kids in elementary school and everybody would go out of their way to help me. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't enjoy all the attention, who wouldn't? But when it came down to it, I never hung out with any of them regularly. My group of friends weren't the most popular bunch, but they were good to me. It was a small group of about eight or so. We were geeks and all had a host of different issues. Some of us were stranger than others, but nobody ever flinched. We accepted each other for who we were and life was awesome.
Middle school came and my small group of friends, stayed fairly close, but our differing schedules made it impossible to hang out regularly. It was around this time that I started to realize that my CP had a major affect on how people perceived me both physically and mentally.
That's when the tough years started and never seemed to end.
Bullies, people staring, others judging me or making obscene gestures, threatening me, calling me names, kicking my equipment on purpose and a host of other things made going to school a living nightmare. I was scared. Too scared to tell any teacher about it, so my feelings of anger, fear and frustration were vented out at home, with tears and screaming. I would lock myself in a closet and scream for hours. This was the one and only time I would ask the question:
Why, God? Why me? I didn't ask for this disability and I really didn't ask for all the tortures that have come with it.
I did this almost everyday for about a year.
It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I finally (and joyfully) accepted myself, my CP and the fact that I was born to be a geek.. At the time, I was attending a Christian high school where chapel, prayers and Bible reading occurred on a daily basis. During these three years, my relationship with God became stronger than ever and I began to see that I had a purpose in life and that this was how I was meant to be. God obviously wanted me to do something with this disability that would help the world.
Today, I'm so thankful, for everything in my life and all the things I
can do and for everything and everyone I have!
I'm thankful to be alive
I'm thankful for everything that has happened in my life---regardless of the outcome
I'm thankful for friends, family and cats
I'm thankful to Gene Roddenberry and subsequent creators for Star Trek and its spin-offs---you read that right, Star Trek helped me through some really tough times.
And I'm thankful for Mrs. Alvarez, my Cultural Studies teacher, for helping me to see the value in my life.
Now, just because I'm generally happy with my life, doesn't mean I'm immune to jealousy and social media--specifically Facebook has taught me that.
I'll admit that whenever I see that one of my friends has a new boyfriend or girlfriend, gets engaged or married, accomplishes something after years of work or has a child, a pang of jealousy nips at me. Petty, I know, but it only reinforces to me that I don't have any of that and frankly, I want it. However, I didn't realize just how petty my jealousy really was until a friend of mine had posted that she was pregnant after struggling for years.
Seeing the joy my friend had in announcing her pregnancy changed the way I look at these happy moments. Sure, I might not have what she does, but gracious, I should at least be happy for her because I know that she's wanted to be a mom for so long. My time will come and I love my life right now, so celebrate with her and be happy and thankful in the fact that her dream is finally going to come true.
In keeping with the theme of thankfulness, I'd also like to debunk 4 myths about living with CP that I've commonly experienced.
1. Disabled individuals are incapable of everything because I see they have a mobility aid
This is untrue. While we may need help with some things, that doesn't mean we're incapable of everything. I know for me personally I want to be more independent, so I'll get creative and see how that works for me. If I need help, I'll ask for it. If it seems like I'm struggling. ask me and I'll tell you if I need/would like help.
2. She looks different physically, so I don't think she's very smart.
Just because my physical appearance is different from yours and I use a walker
does not mean I'm a blathering idiot (Book-wise, at least. On a personal level: It's debatable :).
3. She's disabled so that must mean she has a very unhappy life and I feel sorry for her.
Believe me, the last thing I want is your pity. I have a good life that I enjoy very much. Sure it's harder than an able-bodied person's at times, but I adapt pretty well
4. I bet you wish you didn't have a disability.
Well, yeah. No one ever
wants to be disabled, but I am, so I just do the best with the hand I've been dealt. Just because I have a disability doesn't mean that I don't dream big and strive to make myself better every day. As I said, I'm very happy. Another thing people ask me is if I wish there was a cure for CP, and if there was, would I choose it? I've always answered 'No'. CP is the only way of life I've known, to take that away would mean I lose my identity. Are there some days I wish I didn't have CP? I'd be lying if I said there weren't, but I don't dwell on it because it just leads to anger. Sure, it'd be great to walk, drive and to have full use of the left side of my body, but if curing that means I lose the person I am now, forget it. Go give it to someone with cancer, they need it more than I do. My disability is not a disease. I'll still be here in three years, a cancer patient may not be.
So there yo have it folks. That's all I've got for now. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!
Till next time!
